There were quite a few presentations that I could relate to, that I could understand and feel that remembrance of fear I use to have towards some or still do deep down.
One of them that I could relate to the most was Derik’s, and the fear of being alone, there being no one left, and all there was, was himself.
I had a nightmare similar to that when I was in the Navy, there was a lot going on back home that I couldn’t even begin to understand nor could I have any affect on that probable help lead to this nightmare, but none the less I had it and it scared me to the bone.
It was basically, I returned home, and everyone was gone, I had no one left and was really all alone. I was left with such a deep seated felling of horror once I awoke that I had to call home and make sure everyone was alright and that they were still there.
Every since then I have had to fight that deep seated fear, I do everything I can to not think about it, not give it one iota of myself. Thinking about it makes it all to scary to think about, I’d rather bury it deep down then to think about it.
I know that one day my folks will be gone, and maybe I won’t get much time with my siblings, that’s not really something that can be prevented, people grow up, the move on, and yes they die. Its just a natural part of life and trying to stop it is a waste of time.
In relation to my own project. the fear of being trapped, in a life, career, and world I don’t want. There is one thing that sticks out, I’d rather be trapped and have the time to enjoy life with my family and friends, then to be that guy doing what he love, and living how he wants to, but be alone, and have no one there.
The idea of being alone, with no one, or nothing left doesn’t work and seems very unnatural to me, and life is all about the connections, and what you do with them. Its all about connecting with family, friend, and other people. Its all a part of being human…
I didn’t present the thoughts or ideas of my last post instead I went deeper, to a bigger fear that I at first didn’t want to talk about.
That fear was the one of being trapped, stuck in a life, existence, or place I don’t want to be.
Truthfully I thought that there would be more reaction, not a horrifying reaction, but maybe one of understanding, like others could relate to it. There where a couple like that but mostly it seemed to me like there wasn’t much of a relation of my fear to others.
Though I wouldn’t change anything, I explained everything about my fear to the best of my ability. Changing anything about how I took on presenting my fear would less what I hope to and what I did achieve by doing it the way I did.
I mean I didn’t get over my fear, but it better help me to understand it, and cope with it, instead of letting it control me.
Fear to me is just a normal part of life, its always there whether you like it or not. One can never really get rid of fear as it to me is a necessity, something that helps one with self preservation. To have no fear is to have no concern or idea of life.
It keeps you alive, keeps you appreciating, and keeps you understanding where you stand in the great scheme of things.
So playing with the idea of fear and what I could talk about, present to the class on the subject is a hard one. What I fear may not have anything to do with what someone else fears, heck what I consider fear may or may not be considered that by someone else.
As my fears are pretty minimal, not non-existent just minimal, coming up with something is very hard to me, and what I am going to choose is pretty small, and well not much.
I don’t think anyone is going to react the same as I would, some may feel despondent at the idea, but that is about it.
This by all means is not my greatest fear, its something that is on the edge of my mind, that creeps back in time to time and make me think, and consumes me until I once again puss it aside and move on with my life.
The challenging roadblock for me is happiness or the incapability of being happy. See I was reviewing my life as of recently looking back to see what has changed so drastically to put me where I am at now. Whats making me so unhappy that its become such a roadblock for me and become such an interference.
It turns out it wasn’t that hard to spot, it was something right in front of me that I should have seen all along. But is seems I was too blind to actually notice it.
For the longest time now it seems that I am trying to be something I am not, I have not been acting like myself, I have been doing what is socially acceptable, and proper to all steps regardless of whether they are required or not. I have been pretty much drowning out the part of me that is me, which is horrible to a point, and has cause a roadblock to big that it seems insurmountable.
Trying to figure out what truly makes me happy or gives me that bliss I so desperately want was and remains a chore. I don’t have much of a sunny disposition to begin with and haven’t been happy or done anything that truly makes me happy in such a long time.
Beside the stuff on the personal side, what I would love to do and enjoy is just a bit outside my reach. Requiring stuff like money, a lot of money which adds to my unpleasantness.
There also happens to be the thing of I really don’t know what would make me happy or have the blissfulness I need and want. Once I figure it out, maybe I will have a better idea of what it is and what I need to do to get there.
Myself, that’s what I am looking at, and trying to see. Its not really something that I saw or was looking at, but rather what I learned through some other individuals. How what they were looking at and what they saw taught me something new about myself that I didn’t know. Something I really though was never there, or ever would be there.
This would be compassion, a compassion that isn’t limited to what or whom I know but to everyone, and everything.
I would have never noticed, its not something I would ever look at, or even believe I would see within myself.
…
You ask me to talk about the word void, a word in whatever context it is used means the same thing. An empty space, where nothing can survive, pierce, and affect. It simple is empty, and no matter how much one tries to fill it, it will always be empty, completely and utterly.
You asked us to talk about what inspires us, so for the past couple of weeks I have been trying to figure that out. No matter how much I trying I could not find anything what so ever, I went over what use to inspire me, and things that I thought would inspire me, but nothing did. I don’t quite understand why that is, but its seems nothing inspires me. There is something behind that yes, something that makes being inspired hard to be, and I don’t know how to fix that.
I could always talked about what once inspired me, but its not really a tangible item, not something I could bring with me to class, as it can occur at random.
I wish there was something more, but as for now I am a very uninspired person, who has lost all inspiration from everything around him.
I decided that the best I could do with my egg was to share it with the class, yes there was more than one egg used in the end, but I still used the egg that was provided to me in class. Making a batch of cookies with it seemed to me a fine way to get a use out of an egg that I really have no idea what to do with it.
I expect that this course is going to be full of surprises and mystery. There are a lot of thing that could and probable will happen during this class, all of which I find very intriguing. I expect to learn a lot about the way I interpret and see things, and how I respond to the changes that this class could bring to me as the class goes on.
As for class today, I thought it was a very interesting start, I really didn’t know what to expect before the class, and really don’t totally know what to expect going forward but if today was and indication its going to be a wild ride. Todays class peaked my interest and did help me to believe this was the right choice of a course to take.
Sideways 